It’s Been Awhile..

but I’m still here. My life has completely changed and I am dealing with life a lot better now. I am getting a divorce and while the whole situation makes me sad, I am learning to stand on my own two feet for the first time. I’m with someone and we are happy but I’m more independent now than I ever have been. I am an active part of raising the kids and I am now the breadwinner of my family. It is extremely stressful and sometimes it’s very overwhelming. My kids depend on me now. Their daddy is still around them and provides what he can for them so that’s good.

I just wanted to let everyone know that 2 years ago I couldn’t even get out of bed and now I’m flourishing in so many ways. While there is still so much improvement I still need to make, there is hope. If you received news that you have BPD, it’s not a life sentence. It does not have to be seen as a bad or negative thing. If you wear your heart on your sleeve like I do, embrace it. You will feel the deepest pits of depression but you will also be able to feel happiness in a way nobody else can. Do not retreat, do not give up. Find support and if you are like me and it’s new people every few months, take it and just be held

 

My Greatest Talent

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I have to say, I am a woman of many talents, but the greatest of these, is my ability to fuck things up. I don’t know if it’s a BPD thing or just a me thing but if there is room to completely fuck all that is good in my life up,  I will do it.

I don’t know what the right choices are. Everyone is so biased. Nobody knows the real story. I’m not even sure if I know the real story. Things have been crap for awhile now. I don’t know when shit will let up or not. I don’t even really know what to say right now. I feel alone in the world, and I have to say it’s all my fault.

 

The Thing Is

 

Every story has two sides. Every relationship has two sides. There has been an uproar in my relationships lately. There is a lot I’m still unsure about. I have been craving a little stability and independence but the way life is that I will have to make some serious decisions here sooner or later.

I tried to re-counsel a relationship with my mom, and while I admit I may have perceived things in the wrong light, there is still a lot that is correct in my thinking. Things haven’t changed, and I’m the family fuck up. Maybe I didn’t need to quickly leave the situation, but I felt trapped. I am not highly thought about and I hurt some people. For that I am sorry. Not all the decisions in my life are mistakes however. I still firmly believe I am a good mom and that even if my choices don’t make any sense to you; that they aren’t wrong choices.

My children are healthy, happy, and well taken care of. We may not have all the materialistic things for them, but they are surrounded by people who love them and us. I have never taken them from you. You were the one who said we are dead to you and even now still refuses to see them.

I love you and want us to have a relationship and I’m sorry for everything I have done. But I still need to say that I am a good mom and threatening to take them and telling me everything I’m doing is wrong because you can’t agree to it. You are my mom. I always want you in my life, and miss you.

I am a Chameleon

 

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I am a chameleon. I am a different person with every person I meet. I don’t have a set personality. My personality constantly changes to match the personality of others. I adapt well in different situations. My thoughts jumble up and when people tell me things, I get confused because I can’t tell whats true, whats reality. This makes decisions hard. This makes life hard in general. People with BPD have a hard time creating a stable sense of self because we want to mirror what we see. This is a huge struggle for me and before my diagnoses, I never knew my sense of self.

I often struggle with myself because I am always changing my sense of self. I am learning that I’m a nurturer. I’m a caring person who tries to do whats right.

Happy New Year!

Lets start on a positive note.

How did you grow mentally this year? How do you plan to better yourself this year?

Me: I have aquired a lot of strength, and patience.

I want to try to eat less processed foods and get excersize. I am looking towards making lasting friendships and making me more healthy

Dear Family

 

I really want to come back and be accepted by you. Mom, I miss you so bad it hurts. I don’t know why you cant accept me for me. I am devestated. Why cant you talk to me anymore.

Grandpa, I miss you so so much. I miss your smile, your jokes.

Hope- I miss you so so much

Tj- My sweet brother i miss you.

 

I need emotional support, I need love, I need yall. Its hard to be alone. I cannot put into words how hurt I feel how abandoned how alone

I need you